Tuesday, August 11, 2015

April 13, 2015 (Mom's side notes)

One week before this, on April 7th, Declan's birthday, Katie wrote Declan and ended their relationship. I had worried about Declan all week and had hoped that he had been ok. I had no idea if he had any idea this was coming, if he had been prepared, if it was worse because it was his birthday.... I sent him an email checking on him and hisresponse is below. Although it is personal, I thought it was important for him to have this memory and his response documented.

i am really good actually =) like a lot better than i thought i would be. the day of i was still really shocked. like really shocked. but i really felt the spirit. it was definitely carrying me through my entire day. i was also sick that day =p i woke up with a sick stomach and i felt really bad. the next day i woke up really off. in the night i had a terrible dream of it all. i didn't really sleep at all that night. i felt horrible. the next morning i woke up and imidietly started having an anxiety attack. it was a lot like how decota was before she started having seizures. i couldnt control my body. it was shaking terrribly. i immidietly ask for a blessing and then i just decided i needed to clam myslef down so i did a crap ton of excercises and then i drank something called melisa which is a herb that calms nerves. after that i was good and i really accepted what happened and basicaly by the end of that day i was over it. I really prayed a lot though. i definitely have a testimoney of the power of prayer now. it helped me so much. but yeah im good now. now i just have to stop thinking about dating again =p haha i did make a list of things though that i did and didnt like and traits that I want to look for when i start dating again. but really i knew it was coming too. a couple of weeks ago i had a feeling that i needed to end it.i didnt do it though because i was really scared but i did tell her that i didnt want to talk to her about anything that wasnt spiritually realated. i also told her a lot about spiritual promptings. well she told me that she had one to start casually dating again and i said that if thats what the lord wanted her to do then she needed to do it because he knows the best and i really have learned a lot about always trusting him here. well she did and it happened. so i guess the lord really did give me a huge birthday present. he did something for me that i was too scared to do. but that day something amazing happened. i felt the spirit stronger in all of my lessons than i had ever before. its already made a huge change in everything. now i realize that it really is a commandment not to date before. i also see the blessings of not doing it. they are huge. i finally am becoming consecrated as a missionary. my heart is starting to change and i amnow really searving with all my heart might mind and strength. thank you for letting me learn this lession because i dont know how else i would have learned it. the most important thing that anyone can do is give their will to the lord. i feel like i am now 100% capable of doing this.

i am just glad i dont feel angry about it happening. i dont feel any regret and i dont feel anger or anything. i really did love her a lot but i know that this is what the lord wants and i know she will be happier like this than in any other way so i am happy.

the way i look at it is god gave me training wheels to get here on the mission. i really would have had a hard time getting here and staying here without them. they helped me through a lot of difficult times. but now i dont need them so he took them away. yes it will be a little more difficult for a very short time but now i have knowledge and now i know that i dont need them. i can do this.

i really have changed so much i feel like. i dont even feel the same. i feel like my focuses have all changed. i can honestly say that i know god. i really have a testimoney of the church. i have a testimoney of the book of mormon. i read it cover to cover the first time in my life here. i have a testimoney of the restoration and of the healing and changing power of the atonement. i know who christ is and i know why he is important to me and i know he loves me and i know that he is always with us. we just have to choose to accept him into our lives. i dot ever want to go back to the way that i was before. i cant its impossible. the lord has changed me and i know that my destiny and direction have changed as well. leaving on my mission was the best decision i have ever made.


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